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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new
rooster
for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an
okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the
farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium,
and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster
sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little
worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me', thinks the old
rooster. 'I've got to do something about this.'
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the
new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff,
don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge
you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run
around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to
have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he
definitely thought he was more than a match for the
old guy. 'You're on,' said the young rooster. 'And since
I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy,' said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start
the race with all the hens gathering around to watch.
The race begins and all the hens start cheering the
roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still
maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in
there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues
to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's
just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He
runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out
to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after
his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two
roosters running around the hen house, with the old
rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows
the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........
'Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.' |
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An 80 year old man was having his annual
checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that?'
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an
avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day
he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'
The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle.'
'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.'
The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!'
'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else
must have shot that bear.'
'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor. |
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The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the
recently
mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments
to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine,
he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a
great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how
much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each,
but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight,
the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount
of noise, you will owe the full fare.'
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied
and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane
through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, splits
manoeuvres, you name it and he did it. The couple in
back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute
flight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to
you for keeping quiet through all that!'
'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard
me when the wife fell out.' |
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There was a world famous painter who, in the
prime
of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful
that she might lose her life as a painter, she went
to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After
several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her
eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show
her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of
her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press
conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's
office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed
the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was
your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted
office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, 'I said to myself
'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynaecologist.' |
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The weather was very hot, so this man wanted
desperately
take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his
direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket,
which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front
of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, 'You know,
I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible,' said the embarrassed man, 'You really know
what I'm thinking?'
'Yes,' the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom in it.' |
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A young couple got married & went on a
cruise for
their honeymoon. When they got back from the
honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother,
who lived a couple of hours away. 'Well, darling,' said
her mom, 'how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter
words...
You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MOTHER!'
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey,' the mother countered, 'WHAT 4-letter words?'
'I can't tell you, mother,' said the daughter, 'they're too
awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!'
'Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so
upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!'
Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Mother....words like:
DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK... |
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In the back woods of Arkansas, Scotty's wife
went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed
him a lantern and said: 'Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I'm doing.'
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
'Whoa there Scotty!' said the doctor. 'Don't be in a rush
to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee
one to come.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
'No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that
lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!'
cried the doctor.
Scotty scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked
the doctor: 'Do ye think it's the light that's attracting them?' |
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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball
game
( with their big habits partially blocking the view),
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort
to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm
going to move to Utah... there are only 100 Nuns
living there.'
The second guy spoke up and said, I want to go
to Montana ... there are only 50 Nuns living there.'
The third guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to
Idaho... there are only 25 Nuns living there.'
One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men,
and calmly said, 'Why don't you go to hell...there aren't
any Nuns there!' |
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A man showed some friends his apartment.
One guest asked 'What's that big brass basin for?'
'That's the talking clock,' answered the man.
He gave it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed,
'Knock it off you idiot! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m.?' |
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Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor
put him
in a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds. 'Why, that's amazing!' the
doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Mr Lee nodded. 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from skipping.' |
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