 |
Jokes,
jokes, jokes!!!
Laugh With
Us - Just For Fun
We Have The
Jokes - Enjoy
This website is just for fun,
packed with great humor and laughs. |
A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a
cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his
parrot, who would ridicule the magician after every trick,
saying things like, 'Big deal, the card's up his sleeve,'
or 'He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!'
One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned,
and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny
lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the
magician and parrot floated on the rough seas.
Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the
tiny craft, staring at the magician. Finally, the parrot
blurted out,
'OK, I give up! Where'd you put the ship?!'
|
|
|
|
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on
the following news. Please join us in remembering
a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and complications from repeated pokes
in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in
his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered
a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two
children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun
they had in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
|
|
|
Click Here
to download our FREE eBook
How to be Happy and
Have Fun Changing the World. |
|
|
We've just been notified by Security that there have
been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Playin, and
Bin Lunchin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting
the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin,
at your office. Security is confident that anyone who
looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
|
|
|
|
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary
and Sam says to Becky 'Becky, I was wondering... Have
you ever cheated on me?'
Becky replies, 'Oh Sam, why would you ask such a
question now? You don't want to ask that question...'
'Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...'
'Well, all right. Yes, 3 times...'
'Three, hmmm, well when were they?' as his face turned
red, but realizing he had pressured her...
'Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and
you really wanted to start the business on your own
and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then
one day the bank president himself came over the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?'
'Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even
more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when
was number 2?'
'Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart
attack and you were needing that very tricky operation,
and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember
how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?'
'I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing
for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful
wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling...
I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was
number 3?'
'Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really
wanted to be president of the fishing club ....
And you were 17 votes short....'
|
|
British Comedy Nostalgia
|
|
This man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening
to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls
the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls that cord.
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords,
but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this
time scared out of his wits -- yells, 'Hey, do you know
anything about skydiving?'
The other guy yells back, 'No! Do you know anything
about gas stoves?'
|
|
|
|
A man and his secretary are having an affair,
so one afternoon they get a motel room and
have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace,
so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake
up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he
realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, 'Quick! While I get
dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag
them around through the grass and mud.' Puzzled,
the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife
confronts him and asks him where he's been.
The man says, 'I cannot lie to you. I spent the better
part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room,
then I fell asleep, woke up late, and came right home.
' The woman looks down at his shoes and says,
'You liar, you've been out playing golf again!'
|
|
|
|
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted
to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
we go along.' So she consented, and they were married,
and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got
up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board
and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by
a three rotations in jackknife position, where he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After
a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid
down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves
as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid
down on her towel hardly out of breath.
'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?' he said.
'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked
both sides of the canal... I agree with you that we'd
learn more about ourselves as we went along.'
|
|
|
|
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior
citizens were sitting around talking about their
aches and pains. 'My arms are so weak I can hardly
lift this cup of coffee,' said one.
'I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I
can't even see my coffee,' replied another.
'I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in
my neck,' said a third, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
'My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,' another
contributed.
'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,'
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
'Well, it's not that bad,' said one woman
cheerfully. 'Thank God we can all still drive.'
|
|
|
|
There was an old country sheriff who always said,
'It could have been worse.' No matter what happened,
the old sheriff always had the same answer: 'It could
have been worse.'
One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered
an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked
in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman
in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When
they went to the living room, they found the body of a
man with a gun at his side.
'No doubt about it,' one deputy said to the other. 'This
was a double murder and suicide. This guy came
home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself.'
'You're right,' the other deputy replied. 'Double murder
and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here
he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'
'No way. How could it be worse? There are three
people in the house, and all of them have been shot
to death. It couldn't be worst than that. You're on.'
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.
He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude
bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw
the man on the floor with the gun by his side. 'No
doubt about it,' the sheriff said, shaking his head.
'It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came
home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself.'
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked
his deputies squarely in the eyes. 'But, you know,'
he said, 'it could have been worse.'
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and
shouted, 'Sheriff, how could it have been worse?
There are three people in this farm- house, and all
three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!'
'Yes it could,' the sheriff retorted. 'You see that guy
there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday,
that would be me in there in that bed.'
|
|
|
|
Spooky Louisiana tale
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Louisiana, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed
slowly and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead
of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike,
out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door,
then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees
that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve.
The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost
car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death
when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window
and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around
the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand
reappear every time they reach a curve.
Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car
and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to
a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and
tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.
A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is
apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar.
One says to the other, 'Look Boudreaux, that's the idiot
that rode in our car when we were pushing it.'
|
|
|
Click Here
to download our FREE
Internet Wealth Report |
|
|
|
|
|