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Jokes,
jokes, jokes!!!
Laugh With
Us - Just For Fun
We Have The
Jokes - Enjoy
This website is just for fun,
packed with great humor and laughs. |
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
'Wow, these seats are big!' The person next to him
answered, 'Everything is big in Texas.'
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a
mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, 'Wow
these mugs are big!' The bartender replied, 'Everything
is big in Texas.'
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the lavatory was located. The bartender replied,
'Second door to the right.' The blind man headed for the
comfort room, but accidentally skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
'Don't flush, don't flush!'
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This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as
luck would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to
a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and
the other guy said, 'You got a phone in yours?'
'Yes, I've got a phone!'
'You got a TV?'
'Yes, I've got a TV!'
'You got a bed in yours?'
'A bed??? No!' he replies dejectedly.
The light changed and they took off. This got to
working on the guy. He thought he had everything.
So, he turns around and drives straight to the
dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in.
They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds,
but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be
installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way.
The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks
drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him
that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a
parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and
knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again.
No answer. He starts to walk away when the window
rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, 'What do
you want?'
He says, 'I got a bed in my car!'
The guy replies, 'You got me out of the shower just
to tell me that?'
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One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and
attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd,
a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's
most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly
and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit
and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers
that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play
and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds
than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the
crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not
wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives
the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his
salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when
he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and
prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he
begins to run round and round the cage with the lion
close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and
yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up
at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot!
Do you want to get us both fired?'
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A man walks into a village. He sees a stable and a sign
that says 'Horses For Sale.' He asks the owner (who is
also a priest) if he can buy his cheapest horse.
The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by
members of his parish. The priest tells him the commands.
Say 'Praise the Lord' to go and 'Amen' to stop.
The man buys the horse and rides it off into the nearby
hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and tries to make the
horse stop by saying 'whoa!' but the horse keeps running.
At the very last moment he remembers and says 'Amen!'
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With a sigh
of relief, he says 'Praise the Lord!'
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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up,
hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined
to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his
chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, 'And how
much money do you make a week?'
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
'I make $200.00 a week. Why?'
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and
screams, 'Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and
don't come back!'
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks, 'Does anyone
want to tell me what that slacker did here?'
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
'He's the pizza delivery guy.'
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On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it
over her head, and said, 'I bet I know what it is....some
flowers.'
'That's right!' said the boy. 'But how did you know?'
'Just a wild guess,' she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
'I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy.'
'That's right! But how did you know?' asked the girl.
'Just a lucky guess,' said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.
The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger
and tasted it.
'Is it wine?' she asked.
'Nope,' the boy replied. The teacher repeated the
process, touching another drop of the leakage to
her tongue.
'Is it champagne?' she asked.
'Nope,' the boy replied.
The teacher then said, 'I give up, what is it?'
The boy replied, 'A puppy!'
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A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run
out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house.
The farmer says that there are only two extra beds,
so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, 'I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.'
So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the
farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and
he says, 'There is a cow in the barn. It's against my
beliefs to sleep with a cow.'
So, the Rabbi says, 'I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.'
A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock
on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is
against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and
there is a pig in the barn.
So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few
minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...
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At age 4 success is ... Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... Having friends.
At age 16 success is ... Having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is ... Having sex.
At age 35 success is ... Having Money.
At age 50 success is ... Having Money.
At age 60 success is ... Having sex.
At age 70 success is ... Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is ... Not peeing in your pants.
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Judi reported for her final examination
which consisted of Yes - No answers.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper,
and then inspired, takes a coin out of her purse.
She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer
sheet 'Yes' for heads and 'No' for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done, while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes of the exam,
Judi again frantically starts flipping the coin.
The moderator, concerned about what she's doing,
stops by and asks if she's ok.
'Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but,' explaining
the frantic coin tossing,
'I'm going back thru to check my answers!
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AAAADD: Anyone else have this problem?
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes..... I decide to wash the car,
start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
OK, I'm going to wash the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail.
Lay car keys down on desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out,
but since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook?
Oops... there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?
Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk.
I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put
the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen,
look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water,
I put the cup on the counter and there's my
extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here?
I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants.
I head for the door and... Aaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay,
I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid,
cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left,
lost my car keys; and, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.
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