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Jokes,
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A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
'Ever had an accident?' 'Nope, nary a one.'
'None? You've never had any accidents?'
'Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.'
'That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?'
'Well, rattler bit me one time.'
'Wouldn't you consider that an accident?'
'Nope!. The varmint bit me on purpose!'
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A man goes to the movies.
He looks around and finds only three empty seats
with a man sprawled across them.
Hey buddy, the man says, 'Get up , so I can sit down'
The man looks up out of squinted eyes and says, 'Uhhhhh'
'Come On, get up', the man says again.
Again the response was the same 'Uhhhhh'.
'Ok the mans says, I'm getting the manager'.
The manager comes in. Tells the guy to get off the seats
but gets only the same response 'Uhhhh.'
With that, the manager tells the guy in the seats he is getting a cop.
Cop comes in and says to the guy 'Hey bud, get outta the seats'.
Same response 'Uhhhhh'.
Cop says, 'I'm going to arrest you!'
Same response, 'Uhhhhhh'.
Ok the cop says, 'What's your name?'
Response: 'Irving'.
Cop says, 'Where are you from?'
Man responds: 'The balcony'.
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How to trap a polar bear:
Step 1: Find a frozen lake or other body of water.
Step 2: Cut a hole in the ice 3 foot in diameter.
Step 3: Place 12-24 frozen peas around hole
Step 4: Wait until a polar bear goes to take a pea and then
kick him in the ice hole.
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A new pastor moved into town and went out one
Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well till he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home,
but no one came to the door even after he had
knocked several times.
Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back
'Revelation 3:20' and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offerings
he found his card in the collection plate.
Below his message was a notation, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red,
and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hear my voice, and opens the door,
I will come in to him and will dine with him, and him with me.'
Genesis 3:10 reads: '
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden,
and I was afraid, because I was naked.'
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A woman walks into a shop.
Curious about a shiny object, she asks, 'What is that?'
The sales assistant responds, 'It's a thermos flask.'
The woman scratches her head and inquires, 'What does it do?'
The assistant explains,
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, asks,
'What is that shiny object?'
She replies 'It's a thermos flask.'
He asks, 'What does it do?'
She says, 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
He then asks, 'What do you have in there?'
'Two cups of coffee and an ice-cream!'
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant,
'Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?'
The accountant did not answer. The attorney interrupts,
'Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you,
but I can interpret for you.'
The Godfather says, 'Well, ask him where my damn money is!'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant
where the 3 million dollars went.
The accountant signs back,
'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
'He doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant,
cocks the trigger and says,
'Ask him again where my damn money is!'
The attorney signs to the accountant,
'He wants to know where it is or he'll blow your brains out!'
The accountant signs back, 'OK! OK! OK!
The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!'
The Godfather says, 'Well? ....what did he say?'
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
'He says... GO TO HELL,
you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
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A teacher gave her class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the children came in and one by one they
began to tell their stories.
'Johnny, the teacher asked, 'do you have a story to share?'
'Yes miss, my Daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over hostile territory
and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets,
then killed four more with the knife 'till the blade broke
and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.
'Good heavens!' said the horrified teacher,
'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!'
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A man asked an artist to paint him in the nude.
'No,' the artist said. 'I don't do that sort of thing.
'I'll double your fee,' he said.
'No, no thanks!!'
'I'll give five times as much as you normally get.' the man insisted.
Okay, said the artist, 'but you must let me keep my socks on.
I need somewhere to place my brushes.'
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A man walks into a bar.
Behind the bar, next to the bartender, there is a parrot.
'What's the deal with the parrot?' the man asked.
'Why he can sing!' exclaimed the bartender.
'I don't believe it,' said the man.
The bartender then takes the parrot from his cage and places him on his forearm.
Then the bartender lights a match and places it under the bird's left wing.
At this point the bird starts singing 'Blue Christmas'.
'I don't believe it!' exclaims the man. The bartender then takes another match
and places it under the bird's right wing. This time the bird sings 'Jingle Bells'.
'I don't believe it!' says the man again.
This time when the bartender lights the match he places it in the bird's crotch.
This time the bird starts to sing, in a high pitched voice,
'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!'
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Things Your Mother Would Never Say to You
How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey.
I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
Why don't you hitchhike? It would be much cheaper.
The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.
It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
Don't clean your room so often.
It makes the rest of the house look bad.
Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
No, you don't have to call me,
I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
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